Inner Clarity Blog

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is diagnosed in the Diagnostic Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) by symptoms of depression that begin in the winter and remit in the spring, requiring at least 2 seasonal depressive episodes over the last 2 years. SAD can cause significant distress that impairs your ability to perform normal daily activities such as engaging in school, work, or hobbies. One in twenty people in the US experience SAD, and it is more common among women.

Many of us feel the winter blues without meeting the full diagnostic criteria for SAD. The short days and cold weather can make us feel fatigued, unmotivated, and gloomy. Even if it isn’t as severe as SAD, the winter blues can dampen our disposition and prevent us from feeling like our best selves.

If this sounds like you, you’re not alone! Here are some tips to combat SAD and the “winter blues”:

1. Maintain a consistent sleep cycle that aligns with daylight hours. Wake up when the sun comes up. Experience as much of the daylight hours as you can. And try to get to bed early to ensure you get sufficient sleep.

2. A better diet means more energy and a better mood to accomplish daily tasks. Adjust your diet to include less junk food and more whole foods. You are what you eat, so prioritize fresh produce and well-balanced meals. You’ll feel proud for prioritizing self-care in a necessary part of your day.

3. Incorporate regular exercise into your week. Humans were not designed to sit all day long. Exercise can help regulate mood, facilitate digestion, and promote more restful sleep. To keep yourself accountable, schedule your workouts at specific times of the week with a particular workout in mind. You can also work out with a friend virtually, or in person outdoors with masks. Some great options include weightlifting, bodyweight exercises, Pilates, yoga, running, or a brisk walk.

4. Schedule a hobby into your daily life, even if just for 15 minutes. This forces you to focus on yourself and feed your soul with activities that make you feel like your best self. That natural dopamine hit is good for you!

5. Create a sunny indoor environment. If you work from home, move your desk to the window, preferably south-facing if you’re in the northern hemisphere.

6. Take Vitamin D supplements. Vitamin D has been shown to help regulate mood. Vitamin D is made by our skin, but short days and limited time outside prevents us from getting our usual solar dose. You cannot make Vitamin D from sunlight shining through glass windows, unfortunately, so direct sunlight is important.

7. Spend time outside. This expands on the prior point. Breathe the crisp fresh air and feel the sun’s direct rays. An outdoor walk or even coffee on the porch should help. It’s also good to break the cycle of staring at walls, especially if you work from home. Staying in the house for days on end can mess with your perception of time and make you feel like you’re unproductive, in a rut, or boring.

8. Create additional light sources after sunset. Get a light therapy box to reactivate those light-seeking areas of the brain. At minimum, candles can help create a warm and cozy living space.

9. Take time out of your day to call or video chat with a friend, loved one, or therapist. We are social animals, even those of us who are introverts. Human connection can relieve anxiety, remind us that we’re not alone in our winter blues, and allow us to talk and think about other things. This helps us get out of a repetitive negative headspace.

10. Write down positive experiences and things you’re grateful for. This will encourage you to practice healthy levels of optimism, which can influence your mood for the rest of the day.

11. Buy a plant and thrive together. Organisms need sunlight. If your photosynthesizer can get through the winter, so can you. This also gives you someone to take care of other than yourself.

12. Look on the bright side of winter. Get excited for the post-snow glow, when the sun finally comes out and reflects off every snow-covered surface. The light will fill your house!

13. Create a ritual to look forward to at sunset. Maybe make tea, or light incense, or stretch on the floor. This creates a positive association with nightfall, and can make it feel like less of an “end” and more like a transition.

14. Leave the house, even if it’s already dark. Seeing other people at the store will remind you that it’s still daytime. It will help normalize doing daytime/evening activities despite the early sunset.

Make a conscious effort to try some of these tips as a self-care pursuit. Your health comes first, and everything else is influenced by your mood, perspective, energy, and wellness.

If you’re concerned you may have SAD, share your concerns with a therapist, psychologist/psychiatrist, or family doctor. You may benefit from antidepressants or other treatments in combination with the above lifestyle changes. Click here to find out more about how the therapists at Inner Clarity can help.

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We have all heard clients use this phrase in sessions. They, like us, can describe themselves using “parts” language. Something like this may sound familiar, “A part of me wants to do this but another part of me wants to do that.” Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a model of therapy that helps clients to develop relationships with their various parts in a way that feels integrative, healthy, and clear, thereby alleviating the symptoms causing them distress. There are many “parts” to this model, but for this blog’s purposes, I will help illustrate how to utilize IFS language in a clinical encounter and also speak to the conceptual nature of this model that serves as its foundation.

Parts

Parts are categorized into “firefighters”, “managers”, and “exiles” to help categorize their function in the client’s system. A firefighter is a protector part that acts swiftly, quickly, and intensely to help manage a situation that feels overwhelming or too scary. For example, a firefighter part may tell a client to drink alcohol excessively to avoid something too big, too much. A manager part (also a protector) may tell a client to work excessive hours at his job to help manage the uncomfortable feelings of fear, anxiety, sadness, grief, etc. An exile is a part that typically has gone “underground” for a significant period of time due to the pain, shame, or fear it once experienced at an earlier time, and the manager and firefighters have come on the scene to help protect these exiles from ever having to feel that pain again.

You might be wondering at this point how this model of therapy can help with the many issues clients bring to therapy. IFS therapists devote a lot of time helping clients appreciate the positive intentions of these protector parts in their systems. These parts are very used to feeling shamed, criticized, or “bad” for how they go about protecting the client from feeling pain. We help clients develop a new relationship to these parts that feels more accepting, nurturing, and understanding. This relational shift opens an opportunity for these parts to change roles in the client’s system. A firefighter part who tells a client she has to binge eat in order to avoid an aversive feeling or to possibly feel more control in an overwhelming situation, will inevitably feel the freedom to support the client in more adaptive, healthy ways. However, first, this part has to feel the freedom to shift into its new role, and that comes with the confidence that the client can handle life’s circumstances on her own.

Curiosity

Where to begin you may ask? Well, curiosity is a great access point to making contact with these protector parts in non-judgmental, open, accepting ways to help understand their positive intentions. It’s remarkable how these parts reveal their concerns, beliefs, and worries when approached with open curiosity. They sense the spaciousness the curious energy brings with it and can rest in the awareness of new possibilities. This awareness serves to soften its edges. The softening of the edges and dampening down of the intensity of these protectors allows for the space to trust the client’s Self Energy. Once trust is established between these protectors and the client’s Self, the IFS therapist works to expand this Self Energy as it’s energy knows no bounds.

Self Energy

In the IFS model, Self is energy we all possess. It comprises of curiosity, compassion, courage, clarity, confidence, connection, calm, and creativity. This is the energy we can bring to our protector parts who play their respective roles only with the intention to help and protect, always with unintended consequences. Think of the person who tends to criticize or shame himself before someone else does or the person who incessantly stays busy to feel competent or in control. These are protectors doing their due diligence so intolerable pain and vulnerability can be thwarted.  An IFS therapist will help orient the client toward this Self Energy before nearing toward the exiles, or old wounded parts of the client. This is where trauma resides, frozen in time, fiercely protected by Protectors.

Final Thoughts

There are additional stages to this model such as the Witnessing and Unburdening stages which carry with them their own techniques for trauma reprocessing and/or symptom relief. However, I honed in on the aspects of curiosity and Self Energy to illuminate the transformative, resourceful energy we all possess and how to see our individual protector parts more clearly for all their positive intentions. I find this aspect of the model to be so crucial because it offers hope and compassion, and orients our clients to a path forward out of their pain.

Stephanie Carpizo, LPC is trained in the IFS model and currently taking new clients through Telehealth.

Please call 732 639 0232 to schedule an appointment, or click here to schedule.

“Good communication is the bridge between confusion and clarity”- Nat Turner

In relationships, one of the hardest skills to master is healthy and effective communication. Realistically, we might not be able to completely eliminate disagreements and misunderstandings from our day to day life, but applying communication techniques could potentially increase connectedness as well as create a safe emotional environment for both partners.

The following are some skills that we can use when communicating with our partners-

• "I" Statements: I feel ___ when ___ because _ _ _ . What i need is _ _ _ .
• Be kind: it is important to come from a place of kindness and grace when we are upset, if we are able to remember to express ourselves through kindness, it might help to lower heightened emotions in intense situations.
• Communicate empathy: name the feeling + validate the feeling. Empathy is shown when you communicate that your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and needs make sense to you and that you understand their experience. That does not mean that you necessarily agree with them. It is okay if you don’t agree with them, empathizing does not devalue your interpretation of events.
• Mindful listening: listen to understand rather than respond.
• Practice gratitude: share thoughts of appreciation with your partner, creating a routine daily expressions of gratitude can be mutually beneficial.
• Create a habit of reunion: such as hugging, kissing, dancing whenever you see each other.

There are many different effective ways that couples can communicate. Through rituals and healthy habits we are able to create connections that we can count on. By using some of these skills, we can help to increase healthy interactions and reconnect during a time filled with uncertainty and stress.  Do you think couples therapy would be helpful for your relationship? We can help. Click here to connect to Charlene’s page.

Are you someone who struggles with self love, self esteem, or self worth?

By definition Self Worth means “ an individual’s evaluation of himself or herself as a valuable, capable human being deserving of respect and consideration.” (APA Dictionary Definition)

Easily, this is a trait that any parent would want their child to hold. Likewise, if you had a friend who was struggling with self esteem and self worth, chances are you’d wish this level of self love for them too. Yet for too many, self worth has been muted and minimized for so long that at this stage in the game, it can feel nearly impossible to build it back up.

The truth is, all humans deserve to feel loved, worthy, and capable. So, if along the way, you adapted a belief that you are not; the following advice will help to bring awareness to your thoughts so that you can begin to make small shifts toward massive amounts of worthiness for your uniquely perfect, amazing self.

Happiness is the birth right of every human being.

Every single person deserves love. It is your right to feel good about yourself and create your own version of personal happiness.  It’s not selfish to command a high sense of self-worth or to feel fulfilled and content in your life. If fact, feeling good about yourself is the most selfless act to take. It is within loving yourself and your own unique quirks that you are able to create more compassion and empathy for the imperfection in others around you.

Still struggling to appreciate your inner awesomeness? Here are some quick tips to begin to tune in and gently shift your dialogue to one that encourages more love, compassion, and forgiveness for your number one….YOU!

1. Recognize when and where judgment of yourself and comparison to others emerges. One of the best ways to build self-worth is to create an immunity toward judgment of yourself. This can be difficult, especially if your conditioning has been the opposite. For this first step, focus only on creating more awareness toward your inner critic….
   • When is it that you begin to downplay your own personal awesomeness?
   • How does your inner critic respond when you feel like you missed an opportunity or stumbled on your words?
   • What are nice things you tell yourself about yourself?
   • How do you feel about yourself when your expectations are not met or your intentions are misconstrued?

By beginning to tally when your inner critic says nice things about you versus when that inner voice attacks your desires, actions, and abilities you will begin to notice the programming within.

     The Golden Opportunity – The more you begin to recognize your inner critic that emerges as judgment of yourself, the more you can learn to shift to a better thinking thought that may begin to allow you to build yourself up, rather than tear yourself down.

As you recognize a belief about yourself that makes you feel poorly, remember that you are a human being who is doing their best. Hold the belief tightly that you are doing your best. And within that, that you are deserving of feeling like enough and knowing that you are giving your absolute best. No matter what the circumstance, what you are able to give moment to moment is always enough.

2. Give yourself credit...like all the time.

In today’s comparison driven culture, it can be difficult (and often feel downright uncomfortable) to pat yourself on the back. But the truth is, you deserve daily accolades – so don’t be shy about taking them!

Find more ways to give yourself credit for being amazing!

• Did you do the dishes today even though you felt unmotivated or even depressed? You did it! And what you have given in this moment is enough.
• Have you had to place strong boundaries in your life that haven’t been easy for others to understand? Congratulations! You are beginning to trust your gut and take a stand to rid your life of toxic relationships!
• Have you made small shifts through anxiety and judgement and are now in a state where you can practice awareness and mindfully tune in to how you are feeling and what you are thinking? You are amazing! You are learning to go against your conditioning and move toward a deeper sense of self.

Find comfort in allowing these things to be enough and pat yourself on the back for getting through the day.

After all,

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” – Dr. Seuss

Also, you rock…remind yourself  more often.

3. Do more of what helps you feel good about yourself.

Surround yourself with people that allow you to feel good about yourself.
Find a community online, a trusted person in your family or circle of friends where you feel secure to feel good about yourself.
Remind yourself why you deserve reciprocated love and friendships.
Exercise, craft, write, or sing.
Be creative and allow your emotions place and space to move.

Your definition of feeling good is not open to anyone else’s opinion. The more you continuously make deliberate choices that help you to feel good about YOU, the more you will find that taking a stand in the pool of self worth is truly where you’d like to be.

Listen, human beings are not meant to be perfect. In fact, you can spend your entire life trying to find one (a perfect human) only to recognize that every single being is riddled with imperfection.

It is not the perfection that creates an amazing human, rather the imperfection held by all that create uniqueness, quirks, and the specialness that makes you, you.

Your uniqueness is what makes you incredible! Spending time to embrace it helps to elevate your personal sense of self.

By creating more awareness around your sense of self worth, you continue to shine light on what is working for you, and what needs to be redefined so that you progress toward more of owning your inner awesomeness.

Struggling with Self Worth but deep down know that life is meant to feel good?

At Inner Clarity our therapists work with you to help unpack your inner dialogue and create steps toward success so you can love yourself more, feel good inside, and know that in every moment, you are good enough.

Ready to learn how to find more personal love for you? We are here to help.

Did 2020 mess with your goals? Thank goodness another New Year is on it’s way!

Many people are inspired by big goals and use this time of year to assess their desires. Yet the ability to take action and remain consistent as you work toward accomplishing goals can be daunting…especially in the face of adversary and uncertainty.

The only constant in life is change, a la 2020, so learning to become more resilient in order to create more personal accountability is necessary to achieve your personal successes while learning to live riding the waves of life.

As the reveal of the new year gives you moments to reflect on what you’d like to achieve over the next 12 months, the truth is, in order for you to find success with any goal, it needs to feel electrifying!

Excitement and Belief

Your level of excitement is a huge factor in your ability to achieve. Too much excitement can cause unnecessary pressure that has many jumping ship when the windy path toward success feels tough. Too little excitement and you’re likely to exchange your goal for that last piece of chocolate cake that’s been calling your name.

Excitement is in direct proportion to your level of belief and actualization.

In order to achieve, you first have to believe you are capable of it. Want to lose 50 pounds? Ready to reconnect relationships? Looking to start a business and take your career to the next level?

All of this is possible….as long as you believe it to be.

Your success on any goal correlates your belief that it can or can not happen. The more you see yourself on achievement alley, the more you will align your choices to help get you there.

Keep a Promise to Yourself

Why does it feel so hard to stay consistent to yourself but easier to stay accountable to others?

As a rule, let’s begin to understand that when you make a promise to yourself, or set a goal, it is because you believe it is for your own good. Yet, when the going gets tough, even convinced it’s for your best life, throwing in the towel happens more easily than you’d like.

This does not mean that you are not good enough to stick to what you say. This is not a matter of productivity vs laziness.

The truth is, you lack integrity to yourself. Yup, that’s right…when you say you are going to do something, and then don’t, it’s not because you can’t achieve physically…..it’s because you accept lying to yourself more than you should.

See, you’ve been conditioned to not bring disappointment to others. The social stigma of letting another down is ingrained in many people throughout their childhood and easily translates into adult living.

This is exactly why people show up, work harder, and stay more committed, when working with a personal trainer, business coach, or accountability partner.

You are also used to working toward someone else’s expectation of you. That’s why you work harder when accountability is around.

In the same breath, you are used to giving up on you, that’s exactly why you do that too.

So how can you up your personal integrity while keeping the promise of working toward a goal for yourself?

Start with making your goal non-negotiable.

Then, work daily through committing to small tasks and completing them.

Day in and day out, you will begin to find that there is nothing more gratifying than sticking to something you say you are going to do for you.

Achieve Mini Goals

Along your path of progress, it is important to set up mini goals and celebrations. Mini goals are daily or weekly accomplishments that bring you closer to your overall dream.

Rome wasn’t built in a day and mountains aren’t scaled by one giant leap. Step by step and brick by brick is the exact way to get you from where you are to where you know you are meant to be.

Don’t forget to celebrate your milestones along the way!

Bringing it all together

Achievement and Success are yours for the taking. Working to enhance your level of excitement and accomplishing manageable, daily tasks are all parts of keeping a promise to yourself.

As you continue to raise your personal integrity you will realize that success is imminent and worthy in your life. Everything that you dream of for your highest good is achievable. Keep going!

At Inner Clarity, our therapists are trained to help you recognize your patterns and learn to work in a way that brings you more personal fulfillment, achievement, and success. Together, we work so you feel guided toward uncovering how to live your best life and keep promises to yourself. Ready to make the next year your best year? Schedule an appointment HERE.

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Dear Mothers,

It’s that time of year when you tend to go over and above all the calls of duty and expectation for your kids. The magic of the Holidays truly resides in your hands, and to make this season more magical than ever, you are going to have to work extra hard.

Or don’t you?

Many Mothers believe that Holidays don’t happen, unless they work hard, create an enchanting setting, and practice perfectionism so that their children can create memories worth sharing. In order to make this happen, too many women sacrifice their mental well being, financial stability, and time management in order to go over and above the role of Mom/Santa/Gift Giver Extraordinaire.

The truth is, creating memories that last a lifetime doesn’t need to require you to feel burnt out, exhausted, and appreciated less than you’d like. Running yourself ragged this time of year can lead to melt downs, resentment, and complete and utter exhaustion.

You can still make incredible memories with your family by doing what you love, setting appropriate boundaries with your energy (mental, emotional, and financial), and taking moments to pause to truly appreciate the gifts of the year.

2020 is different. The desire to create fascinating experiences for your children to remember forever is still strong. However the ability to make that happen through external sources, pictures with Santa, memories around the menorah and kinara, and outside family traditions have changed. Yet that doesn’t mean you have to find new ways to take yourself down to zero in order to provide your children with love, special moments, and sacred family togetherness.

So how do you create magical moments without driving yourself to the brink of resentment for the 2020 Holiday season?

Here are quick and easy tips to create a holiday of connection, without losing your cool and learning to revel in the specialness of this time of year.

1. If you don’t enjoy it, don’t do it. From Elf on the Shelf, coordinating family pajamas, staying up all night to cook countless dozens of cookies, and making yourself kooky to celebrate ‘eight crazy nights’…if it causes you stress and anxiety, then consider ditching it. The magic of the Holidays is created by your intention and emotion. Stress, fatigue, and resentment take away from the truest meaning of this time of year. If it’s causing you anxiety and stress, you can give yourself permission to shelf Elf on the shelf until next year, or at least balance that responsibility with things that are meaningful to you. Your children will still enjoy the season, even if everyone ‘forgot’ to smile for the annual, outdoor, family pic.
2. Set limits and boundaries. You only have so much emotional energy every day. If you use up your reserves over-doing, overspending, and over-serving others, your reserves dry out pretty quickly. That means, the people that matter the most to you, aren’t able to see you at your best. Setting limits with spending, obligations and visits, and what you will do to meet someone else’s expectation of you, are essential so you keep enough emotional energy for those who matter most in your life.
3. Take it easy on yourself. Even though you may try to this time of year, you can’t do it all. Make sure you sprinkle self care in while you are out creating the magic of the season. Take time to rest, create space for gratitude, and focus on the fact that you are always more than enough to everyone around you.
4. Focus on what matters. At the end of the day, it’s not the gifts, the decorations, or the honey baked ham that makes the Holidays special…it’s the love! Creating moments of love and togetherness may look different this year so learning to adjust your lens so you can lean in to what makes you feel good is important. In your most stressed moments of preparing for the Holidays, pause and ask yourself ‘what is most important to me, right now?’ Ask and then listen to your inner guidance system.

Mama, you are the magic that moves every season, and never is that more true than now. Remember, the extraordinary excitement of this time of year is more enjoyable when you practice the pause and enjoy what is already around you. The most important memories are made not when doing things, but by being present and learning to do more of the things that help you to feel calm, joyful, and surrounded by love.

Are you experiencing burn-out due to the stress of the Holidays in 2020? Learn to navigate your expectations, overwhelm, and anxiety so that you can feel aware, present, and enjoy the Holidays this year and every year. You are in control of your emotions. Learn how to work with them and feel satisfied in your life more often. Find out more about seeking professional support HERE.

The most magical adventures can be the most challenging to make tangible. Such is the scientific studies on gratitude and its ability to bring its user increased happiness and decreased depression.

While most people have an instinctive understanding of what gratitude is, it can be very difficult to define. It’s that time of year where everyone seems to begin to focus more on what they are grateful for, and 2020 has shown us simply how necessary it is to find gratitude for one’s own physical health.

It has been said that regular shifts toward gratitude have the ability to heal, balance, and regulate negativity from a person’s life. Since life nowadays may feel without control and filled with concern, creating moments of thanks are essential to put it all in perspective.

Many studies over the past two decades have concluded that people who practice gratitude tend to be happier and less depressed. In fact, research supports the claim that gratitude is ‘the greatest virtue’ and furthermore ‘the mother of all other remaining virtues.’

Gratitude works to help improve all aspects of health.

• It enhances empathy and reduces aggression by shifting perspective and freeing the user of overwhelming thoughts of judgement, resentment, and regret.
• Not only do grateful people sleep better, they also report less physical aches and pains and tend to be overall healthier than other people. (according to a 2012 study published in Personality and Individual Differences)
• Two studies conducted in 2003 and 2006 proved that gratitude helped to increase mental strength, specifically citing survivors of 9/11 and Vietnam Veterans combating PTSD.
• A 2014 study revealed that grateful people have increased levels of self-esteem.

(Access incredible research and learn more about the studies cited HERE)

As a practice, gratitude doesn’t require much. However, if you feel like you could use some inspiration to cultivate more gratitude in your life, here are some quick tips to make it a daily and regular feel-good routine:

1. Find a reason to give ‘thanks’ first thing in the morning. Often adults wake up and rattle off their to-do list, scroll through their phone, or click the Television to watch the news. Prior to connecting, planning, and worrying for the day, deliberately begin your day with ‘thanks.’ Perhaps you find gratitude for the home that kept you safe and secure all night long. Maybe you are thankful for the warm slippers you are about to place upon your feet. Or maybe you find a moment of thanks for your eyes opening wide, the breath that fills your lungs, and your ability to begin a day again.
2. Ditch the judgement. Gratitude isn’t a competition. While you may feel deeply connected to feelings of thankfulness for your children, friendships and family…finding gratitude for the smaller things in life are just as important. So, if you are feeling thankful for your computer or the phone that allows you to still connect with those you care about, express it! Maybe it’s your favorite meal or the pair of jeans or purse that you worked so hard to finally purchase. Material, non-material, physical and non-physical…when it comes to feeling thankful for something in your life, everything is up for grabs!
3. Make it a habit. Regular gratitude can shift your mentality in a major way. And the more you willingly focus upon gratitude, the more things you will find in your life to be grateful for.Here are three simple ways to incorporate gratitude into your life, while still feeling true to yourself…

Here are three simple ways to incorporate gratitude into your life, while still feeling true to yourself…

• Focus on three things you are grateful for while washing the dishes or taking a shower
• Practice to feel love, health, and happiness, while cooking your food or food for others
• Remind yourself regularly that these are the best moments of your life. Screaming kids? Chatty co-workers? Every interaction is an opportunity to find thanks. Yes, even in the most chaotic ones!

When it comes to gratitude, the fun is in the freedom! Don’t overcomplicate it. While gratitude can be beautifully expressed through actions like writing in a journal, or through hymns and prayers, practicing gratitude is really as simple as sitting with one conscious grateful thought at a time.

Tapping in to your personal feelings of joy, contentment, and regularly finding reasons to rejoice in your life will turn the key towards happiness.

One mindful thought about what is going good in your life can be all you need to transform your mood, realign yourself with the positives, and help you to shift perspective toward all the greatness in your life.

Ready to learn how to tap into the power of your personal gratitude? Visit Inner Clarity today to book an appointment with a Therapist who will help you sift through the moments of your truth so you can lean into focusing on what feels good. Find out more about how we can help!

As 2020 begins to wind down, many are looking toward the Holiday season to bring in a much needed cheer in the world. But for all too many, approaching Holidays means dealing with loss again, or due to 2020, for the very first time.

Grief looks different this year. It may not only be due to loss of a human close to your heart, grief now abounds in the form of loneliness, separation, social anxiety, and mourning for an older sense of ‘normal.’

As with any occasion that makes you think of togetherness, this upcoming season can be a time of deep contemplation and revisiting the ever fluctuating stages of grief.

If you are experiencing grief this time of year, or any time of year, you are not alone. And while your grief may manifest differently throughout the impending season, know that your feelings are real, valid, and here to be felt.

When you, or your children, encounter moments when it feels too strong to bear, here are some helpful ways to allow yourself to feel while gently encouraging yourself to continue to make a connection with those you have lost and love the most:

1. Write a letter – write a letter to your loved one who has passed. Take your time to share your emotions or perhaps focus on writing about a memory you cherish dearly. Then, bury the letter in a spot that is special to you and your deceased loved one.
2. Save a spot at the table – light a candle, place a photo, and acknowledge that your loved ones presence is with you on the night’s that you need them the most. Keep up with the traditions, the special recipes, and the fancy dishware that may have meant the world to your customs and culture, if it feels manageable at the time.
3. Move your body – energy needs to be moved in order to be processed, and so do you. You are entitled to feel sad. To help yourself feel better, go outside in nature. Head for a hike, walk on the sand, or go for a jog in a park. Stagnant energy stays stagnant. Moving energy allows for shifts.
4. Make a special plan – have something that you always loved to do with the departed? Plan a special date to keep up with the tradition and ask yourself; ‘how would they want me to feel in this moment?’
5. Put out a memory box – a special box, stocking, or traditional memento that will be a place for all to share their special memories for the departed.
6. Communicate your needs – Maybe there are traditions you’d love to keep and others you can’t bear to face. Perhaps you’ll be spending the holidays differently this year or creating a brand new tradition to move forward with! Whatever you decide is best for you, make certain to share your truth with the people who share the holidays, and the grief with. And remember: everyone grieves differently. No one has to understand but you.

Perhaps you are already busy and you are finding that more and more you are distracted by your grief; it keeps you on the couch or pins you to the bed despite all the work you have to get done.

If this is the case, take time to feel your feelings. Be honest with yourself and with those who depend on you.

When it feels right, you can visualize yourself placing overwhelming thoughts on a shelf momentarily. This may allow you the space to work toward your goals with work, home, and additional responsibilities, knowing that you can come back to your feelings and space on the shelf, when you are ready to be done.

Grief is not linear. There is no one road that leads to processing it faster, more quickly, or with ease. In fact, if you do, you may miss out on valuable healing that awaits.

Feelings are here for you to be felt. Sadness, as overwhelming as it feels at times, is a reminder that love once existed in it’s space.

If this year has shown you anything, it’s that you matter, your feelings matter, and health is the most valuable resource on the planet.

Are you experiencing grief this time of year? InnerClarity offers guidance in working with your grief so that you can find moments of joy as you learn to navigate the intensity of your emotions. You don’t have to go through it alone. Schedule a consultation today.

​With an influx of adults in transition; uprooted and now working from home or laid off from the massive shift that Covid-19 has brought our way, many partnerships are strained by the change in home/life relationships.

After years of couples finding a groove that works best for them, marriages have been flipped on their head as many now are learning to share more space, spend more time, and navigate the additional stress brought on by quarantines, virtual school, and the fear of falling behind on bills or ill.

Faced with an unprecedented amount of emotional and financial strain, more and more couples are considering divorce as an option to preserve their happiness and their sense of self.

The truth is, not all marriages are meant to last forever. And with the abundance of time many people have now, more and more are making the courageous choice to put their personal happiness above the institution of marriage.

However, if you’re looking to strengthen your relationship during this time, hope has not been lost!

While the increase in togetherness may be tough at moments, here are some ways to Quarantine Proof your Marriage so that you can remain in the committed relationship you enjoy:

1. Keep Communication Open – stress affects men and women differently. Learning how to acknowledge your truth in any moment, despite how uncomfortable it may be, and share it with your partner is important to create more closeness. So if you are struggling financially, with work, with virtual education, or with mental distress (which is on the rise due to COVID) share yourself and your situation with the person you love the most.
2. Understand your personal needs – Your spouse may never be able to fulfill all of your needs. And as you grow and learn to accept the circumstances regarding the ‘new normal,’ chances are, your needs have shifted. Which needs can your partner easily fulfill for you? Where do you need to seek contentment and gratification that can not be met by your spouse? Understanding your personal needs and acknowledging what your partner can easily fulfill and which they can’t are essential to managing your expectations and appreciating the parts of your life that are enhanced through the connection in your marriage.
3. Figure out your context – Context is the lens in which you view (everything) your marriage. If your context for where you and your partner are in your lives is ‘this isn’t working’ then, it’s not going to work! Yet, if you can step back and find awareness of your context, you can recognize how to shift so that the story you tell yourself about your marriage doesn’t feel so closed in. Perhaps you can try the lens of ‘this is temporary’ or ‘these struggles will make our bond closer,’ and see how you can shift the narrative about your marriage.
4. Seek out help – navigating relationships can be an emotional battle of rightness vs wrongness. But the truth is, many times it’s not about he said/she said. So much clarity can be found by including a professional who can offer perspective to a couple who is experiencing discourse. And often, having a safe space to talk, feel heard, and practice effective communication is exactly what a couple needs in order to be brought closer together.

The therapists at Inner Clarity are here for you and your partner. We work with you to uncover your needs, help you to feel peace in your relationships, and work to help you take steps toward your personal happiness. Experiencing troubles in your marriage? Book your appointment HERE

Important to note: While many marriages seal their bond and find togetherness during stressful times, many others can become tumultuous.

If you are experiencing domestic violence which includes physical, emotional, and mental/spiritual abuse please call the New Jersey Domestic Violence Hotline for immediate assistance: New Jersey Domestic Violence Hotline

1 (800) 572-SAFE (7233)

It’s that time of year again for parents (whether your children are having virtual or in-person experiences)! This year, of course, poses more questions and uncertainties than previous years due to the ongoing effect of COVID-19 on our personal lives, families, and surrounding communities. Suffice to say, we are all experiencing different levels of anxiety due to the uncertain nature of our lives at the moment. As a parent to young children, I have been reflecting on my own stress levels due to the current circumstances, and have been more intentional in tracking the shifts from “good” stress to “bad” stress and how these shifts impact my parenting.

Good stress is motivating and provides just enough arousal to move us towards our goals. Bad stress exceeds our window of tolerance, a term typically used to describe the zone of arousal in which a person is able to function most effectively. This can happen either because the stress is too overwhelming and going on for too long or our window of tolerance is too narrow or both issues may be at play simultaneously!

This pandemic has been such a destabilizing force for individuals, families, and communities for a myriad of social, political, and economic reasons. We humans like certainty and end-points at the end of the tunnel to help us make meaning out of situations and find solutions to move us forward. Whether your kids are learning from home or back at school, the ongoing uncertainty and ambiguous end point to everything COVID-19 related remains front and center in our minds.

When stress is front and center and begins to overstay its welcome, it has the capacity to wreak havoc on our bodies and minds. When we parent from a place of stress and/or fear, we become rigid, inflexible, and controlling to install some sense of safety into our systems for calming, most of which is happening out of our awareness. And this is where the work begins. It is too easy to direct our frustration towards our children who, let’s face it, are easy targets. They will rebel, test boundaries, make poor judgement calls, spill the milk we just bought, you get the idea! They have the ability to set up a minefield of triggers for us to step into setting off a pattern of reactivity that tends to be contagious. This generates a cycle of more impulsive reactivity in relation to each other which will inevitably spill out into their school lives and friend relationships. What to do?

Step 1: Respond rather than react

First, notice the initial tendency to look outwards for the reason for your stress. This is a reactive response to a trigger. This typically looks like blaming behaviors or having a level 10 reaction to an issue that maybe warranted a level 3 reaction? The act of looking for external reasons for our stress or anger or turmoil is actually a very natural reaction (it hurts to notice our own inadequacies), so try and offer yourself some reassurance during this process instead of judgement. It is through this process of slowing down enough to notice your reactivity that you will develop a more effective response to your trigger.

Step 2: The Mindful Pause

The awareness of responding vs. reacting leads us to step two, (which I think is the hardest part). Step two involves the “pause” we hear so much about in mindfulness training and actually is difficult to put into practice if you’re chronically stressed, or as some of my clients like to say, “revved up.” I like to insert some body awareness into this step which can look like following your breath during this pause or allowing yourself to feel the ground beneath your feet as you count your breaths. If you need more sensory input, this can look like running cold water over your hands or face or utilizing your favorite smell or music to shift your attention. The good news is that urges really do pass quickly when we open up the space to actually feel them and allow them to pass.

Step 3: Choose your Choice

Lastly, make a different choice, do something different, say something different, go somewhere different, you get the point! Victor Frankl famously said, “Between the stimulus and response there is space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.” Give yourself the space to choose the most effective response in that moment and in that day with your child and your child’s response will mirror your own. It might (and probably will) take several tries (or more) to undo an ongoing pattern of unhealthy reactivity, but as I tell my kids, just keep trying. Each time you will learn something new. And this is how we will get through this unprecedented time, together.

We are here to get through this together and it is important to know that you do not have to cope through this alone.  Click Here to find out more about the services we offer and request an appointment with one of our highly skilled therapists

Family – the relationships you don’t get to choose.

Dealing with family can be difficult. In fact, for some…it can become downright abusive.

For many people, dealing with family means dealing with control, emotional abuse, and constant criticism. Not all human beings are capable of exhibiting love in a way that makes another feel heard, respected, and cared for. When this happens, it’s important to know – it is NOT your fault.

Knowing how to approach these delicate relationships, sometimes with the very people who raised you, can be really challenging and painful. But gaining an understanding about how your life can be distanced from theirs in a way that feels most supportive for you is important.

The truth is, You deserve to be happy.

And if your family is a major cause of your depression, self deprecation, or why you always feel stuck, it may be worth examining effective ways to deal with toxic members of your clan.

The most important rule to your personal happiness is to do whatever it takes to surround yourself with people who help you feel good. This may not always be people bonded to you by blood, even if they have raised you.

Here are some important things to remember when dealing with toxic family members:

1. Self Care is your first priority. Your happiness is a personal declaration. You know what is best for your life, for your heart, and for your mental awareness. Make certain that self-care and self preservation come in high on your list and act in a way that continues to validate the thought ‘I deserve to be happy.’
2. You are not responsible for their lives. You are not here to fix your family members. They are individuals capable of choosing their own path. You are not here to rectify someone else’s life. You are here to create personal freedom so you can feel your best and do your best. And your personal reactions and responses to toxic family are the only thing you are responsible for.
3. Boundaries are your best friend. The quickest way to navigate the emotional road of toxic family relationships is to set boundaries for yourself. Becoming clear on how you are and are not willing to continue to communicate with people and sticking to your boundaries will set the new tone for your self preservation.
4. Blood is not always thicker than water. The most important part of any relationship is the bond formed between two people. If the bond in your relationship to your family is damaged or broken, know that it is not always necessary for it to be mended.
5. You can create a new family. You will never get another Mother of Father. And it’s not your fault if you didn’t get great ones.

But if it’s right for you, you can become a Mother or Father and experience family in a completely new way. You can choose love, openness, and acceptance. And this new creation..the family you choose..can begin to help heal the holes left by the first.

You can choose friends who become family. These relationships too can be committed by love, respect, and a desire for closeness.

You can create the family you choose. And you can choose to be bonded by unconditional love.

Remember, when it comes to your family – no one knows what you have experienced but you.

So no one gets to decide what and how it is best to interact with your family, but you.

You have one life to live and that life deserves happiness, joy, and love.

Take action to free yourself from family that no longer helps you move toward the goal of happiness.

Relinquish judgement of yourself and others.

And know that you are never alone.

At Inner Clarity our therapists are trained to help individuals navigate the intricacies of sticky family dynamics. These relationships can be emotional and difficult to untangle on one’s own. If you are looking for a supportive Therapist who can help you undo the web of a no-longer working family dynamic, schedule your appointment today. Gain Clarity HERE.

​Have you been wondering why social distancing has been such a challenging transition for so many of us? It’s because we are inherently social beings, relying on social connection for survival, learning, evolving and positive feelings.

It’s true that social connections foster better mental and physical health. According to an article published in 2007, social supports increase our ability to manage stress. In addition to that, the article states that we are more likely to experience more positive feelings, releasing “happy hormones” such as Oxytocin, when we are engaged with our social supports and social networks. (Ozbay, F., Johnson, D. C., Dimoulas, E., et.al, 2007). In addition to feeling happier, we are more likely to find motivation from our peers. This may be committing to activities together that will foster better health.

When we feel connected to others, we experience a stronger sense of purpose, have stronger self-esteem and have more opportunity to build on these relationships. Here are some ways to stay connected during this pandemic:

• Virtual Meet ups
  • This is a great way to stay connected with your loved ones. Facetime, Skype, Google Hangouts and Zoom are all platforms that you can use to connect 1 on 1 or as a group.
• Local Online Groups
  • Most towns and counties use their website to promote social activities that are COVID 19 safety protocol compliant. Finding something outdoors with your community is a great way to safely meet new people in-person or virtually.
  • There are websites, like MeetUp.com that promote both safe social distancing activities and virtual activities based on your hobbies and interests.
• Virtual Wellness Challenges
  • Many gyms and Facebook groups host “virtual wellness challenges” that link you to another person who has the same fitness and health goals in mind. This helps to keep up motivation and momentum. This is a safe way to stay connected with an active lifestyle that promotes community wellness and group work.
• Meaningful Activities
  • Many hospitals and assisted living communities accept letters, drawings and paintings to be sent to their patients. This can be a great way to connect with another person, while giving back to those who may not have as many social supports.
  • Animal Shelters and Rescue Centers also seek out donations and volunteer work. Becoming active in giving back to the community can boost feelings of purpose.

• Connection Through Music and Art
  • In the last few weeks, many parks and beaches have opened for social distancing concerts that can be attended in person or virtually. You can check your local
  • There are also websites for online live art classes that range from $0-$50 per session. All you need are your materials and computer, and you can paint with your virtual group.
• Reconnecting with the Outdoors
  • Walking through local parks, bird watching, or walking through your community can be an uplifting experience. If you're up for the challenge, kayaking, hiking and rock climbing can be great group activities that promote social distancing.

• Self Care Activities
  • During these transitional times, it is important to remember to use self-care. These are activities that you can do for yourself, to help manage stressful situations. Some simple self-care activities are healthy eating, yoga, meditation, watching your favorite TV show, talking with friends, aromatherapy, mindfulness, healthy sleep cycles, exercise and seeking out support from professionals in the field.
  • It is important to follow local and state guidelines for safe social distancing. For updated information about social distancing and tips to stay safe please visit Personal and Social Activities | COVID-19

Citations

Ozbay, F., Johnson, D. C., Dimoulas, E., Morgan, C. A., Charney, D., & Southwick, S. (2007). Social support and resilience to stress: from neurobiology to clinical practice. Psychiatry (Edgmont (Pa. : Township)), 4(5), 35–40.

What is the purpose of positive thinking?

Well, for one, focussing on affirmative thoughts such as ‘everything is always working out for me,’ and ‘today is a great day,’ feel good inside.

But what if thinking positive thoughts actually did change your life completely?

By now you may have heard of the book, The Secret. (if not, get it or watch the movie on Netflix) The Secret reveals the science behind positive thinking and how exactly it can help to shift your life and move you toward a reality filled with feeling great, embracing what’s next, and knowing that you are supported to live your best life now using the Law of Attraction.

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So how does the Law of Attraction work?

Simply put, the Law of Attraction states that what you focus on is what you attract.

What you continuously give your attention and energy to is how your reality is created.

So, if you constantly focus on things that are going wrong, you will be met by more instances where things are going wrong.

Adversely, if you shift your attention to things that feel good, you will continue to be placed in moments to feel good.

The two main factors in understanding the Law of Attraction are belief and intention.

Belief:

In order for the Law of Attraction to work to your benefit, you have to believe completely in what you are focusing on. If you believe that ‘today is a great day,’ state it, believe it, and own it completely. Then, you will be presented with more and more reasons that validate your belief ‘today is a great day.’ Perhaps someone pays for your coffee at the drive through. Maybe you have no traffic on the work. Or maybe you simply smile and recognize all of your personal reasons to feel grateful today.

On the contrary:

Your thoughts are powerful!

If you attempt the belief: ‘today is a great day,’ and immediately follow that with the thought ‘except when I get to work, I’m really not looking forward to meeting with my boss.’ Then, the Law of Attraction is going to meet you exactly where your belief stands.

You may get to work, meet with your boss, be put into a bad mood, focus on feeling angry, and then continue to witness unfortunate circumstances come your way.

The Law of Attraction did not fail, you didn’t really believe that ‘today is going to be a good day.’

You may have thought it momentarily, but one positive affirmation will not negate the true belief inside of you. The belief in the ‘bad moment with your boss,’ was stronger than the belief for a great day. The Law of Attraction meets you always by your actual belief.

Intention:

All energy follows intention. This means that your thoughts go deeper than surface level.

And the Law of Attraction works only when the intention behind each of your thoughts are for the highest good for all.

For example:

Let’s say you really want a promotion at work so that you can get a raise, feel stable with your household bills, and get recognition from your job for doing great work.

If you work to focus on the promotion, and more so – how you will feel when you are called in to the office as you receive the promotion from your boss, what it feels like to pay all your bills on time, and the feeling of accomplishment – you will be using the Law of Attraction to your benefit and help to bring the promotion closer to your truth.

Now, let’s assume that deep down, you have thought about wanting this promotion so that Sally from HR will feel badly because she wasn’t promoted. Maybe deep down you’re excited that she’ll be upset and have to do extra work as she watches you climb higher in the corporate ladder.

If this is the case, then it’s important to recognize that your intention is not aligned with the highest good for all.

So, even if you focus on the promotion, the Law of Attraction will not work to bring it to you quickly because your desire is also aligned with someone else’s suffering.

How to Use it:

A simple way to begin using the Law of Attraction today is by adapting the belief that

‘Everything is always working out for me.’

> That means, even when reality is showing you otherwise (a job you didn’t get, a relationship lost) you feel grounded and secure that these things happened because they weren’t truly for your best benefit.

> Believing that everything is always working out for you will help to shift your mind toward an openness for great things coming your way!

> This quote gives you a great chance to become more aware of the true beliefs and intentions that come up for you when you say it. Understanding the hidden or limiting beliefs that come up around this statement are an essential stepping stone to understanding what has stepped in your way and how to clear it so that you can harness the Law of Attraction for your benefit.

> It will build resiliency in the face of adversity.

> Declaring daily that ‘everything is always working out for me’ aligns your emotions to the feelings of things working out for you.

> When you work to adapt and understand that everything is always working out for you, you welcome in the benefit of believing it is.

The Law of Attraction is an evidence based energetic principle that shares with you that focusing on feeling good will bring more opportunities to feel good your way.

Wondering if it’s worth it to begin to shift your thoughts and feelings to align with more good feelings coming your way? The therapists at InnerClarity, LLC in Hazlet, NJ work with energetic laws such as Law of Attraction so that our clients learn to focus on intention and become aware of the hidden thoughts that stand in their way. At InnerClarity, we believe that your life deserves to feel great. And we work together so that you can create a way of getting there that is in true alignment with what is best for you. Ready to speak to one of our professionals? BOOK YOUR CONSULTATION NOW

Back to School – It’s that time! Summer is quickly dwindling to an end and your parental decision about how to approach your child’s education needs to be decided on.

This year back to school looks different for every family. What once was a time filled with the excitement of back to school shopping, coordinating new backpacks and lunch boxes, and gearing back up for structure, is now filled with unanswered questions, risks and concerns, and you know it – masks.

Back to school looks different this year and it’s important to understand that the feelings around it are in sharp contrast to what you as a parent have experienced in the past. Perhaps this year you are experiencing uncertainty and anxiety where excitement used to live. It’s understandable and you are not alone. Parents nationwide are experiencing grief, apprehension and relentlessness when it comes to approaching choices around back to school.

Are you a parent who is gearing up to send your children off to school?

Are you venturing down the path of full time at home virtual learning?

Have you made unconventional choices to educate your children?

Here’s how to thrive during the anxiety and uncertainty during this year’s back to school season:

1. Name your emotions. While in years past it may have been easy to name your parental emotions such as excitement for all the new opportunities a school year brings, or sadness because your baby is getting so big, this school year’s emotions feel…well, different. As with our younger children, it’s important to name the emotions you may be experiencing. Emotions swirl within us as a form of energy desiring to be physically expressed. As Dan Seigel, author of The Whole Brained Child, famously declared: You’ve got to name it to tame it. Take ownership of your emotions (this does not mean to JUDGE them) so you can recognize precisely how you are feeling and how you are reacting accordingly. Naming your emotions can help to tame reactions and lessen the intensity they bring.

2. Take time to process how you are feeling. Once you have pinpointed the feelings that are existing within you, take time to process them. Make a list of all of your concerns surrounding back to school and your child’s safety. Then make another list for all the things you are grateful for this upcoming school year. Allow space and time for you to truly understand your emotional state by dissecting it and seeing it in real time. Your emotions deserve validation. List writing is a phenomenal way for you to maintain emotional resiliency by seeing what comes up as a true concern for you. Approach this exercise with an open mind. There is no right and wrong. There is no judgement. Use this time to acknowledge your concerns (all of them) and then highlight where you find the peace, the appreciation, and the gratitude for the new approach to education that you and your children are taking.

3. Love your babies. Whether they will be doing their school work at the kitchen table or coming off the bus or into your car after a shortened day of in person instruction, remember that your role as a parent is to love your children. In times of uncertainty and during these times of change, remember that the love you have for your children has never wavered. Yes, parenting is an ever changing relationship that encourages you to shift through transitions, make difficult decisions, and feel uncomfortable during times of growth. But reminding yourself why you’ve made the choices you have for your family is important. So when you are feeling overwhelmed, nervous, or anxious, gently shift your focus to your heart and how it feels when you witness your child experience something they love. At the beginning and end of each school day, love for your child will ease your heart, center your anxiety, and shed light on the biggest gift of all – parenthood. It’s never easy but LOVE always makes it worth it.

“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” – Corinthians

InnerClarity, LLC in Hazlet, New Jersey is working hard to help parents cope with understanding how to navigate the ‘new normal’ of 2020. Our latest group program, Coping with the New Normal is designed to help adults navigate the intensity of the emotions, anxiety, and grief that have been highlighted during this time. When everything you once knew about ‘normal’ has shifted, it’s time to find certainty and community so you can feel empowered to handle whatever comes next. Pre-register for our upcoming group “Parents coping with the ‘new normal’” by calling 732-639-0232, or click HERE.

To read more about Dan Siegel’s “The Whole Brain Child”, click here  https://www.drdansiegel.com/books/the_whole_brain_child/

Tips on how to make your transition into a post-pandemic lifestyle smoother.

It’s been six months since the not-so-welcomed Covid-19 has undoubtedly brought a new definition to the idea of a “normal lifestyle.” With ever-changing guidelines and overwhelming amounts of uncertainty, feelings of stress and concern are inevitable. While these feelings may seem wildly overwhelming, it is important to remember that there are ways to maintain a healthy mindset while tackling all of the challenges brought on by these unprecedented times.

Taking the appropriate steps to ensure you are keeping yourself and others safe while also keeping your mental health a priority can be a lot to juggle, but it is not impossible. Below we take a look at some of the ways that will help you transition into the “New Normal”.

1. Make Yourself a Priority

One of the most important things you can do for yourself in times of uncertainty, is making sure you prioritize self-care. As humans, it is natural for you to want to take care of others and do everything you can to make the people in your lives feel safe. But without giving yourself the same attention and care, you can find yourself feeling more stressed and panicked than you were before. When you start to make yourself a priority, the way you respond to outside stressors change. You are more likely to approach uncertainty from a state of feeling calm, collected, and grounded. Setting time aside for yourself to do things that make you happy and allowing yourself to take a break when you’re feeling overwhelmed are wonderful ways to practice self care. In today’s ‘new normal’ grant yourself the willingness to create time for YOU and what you love.

2. Develop a Coping Mindset

It’s no question that Covid-19 has forced you to change your expectations of what this year and future years will be like, which can result in feelings of powerlessness and fear. The truth is, uncertainty is tough for everyone!

While you may not be able to control how things are going to continue in the future, you can control how you respond. (this is where your power lies!)

Adjusting your expectations to match reality and focusing on what you can control will allow you to cope with the ever changing world you are currently in.

Relying on facts, taking the proper precautions, and striving to maintain as much of a routine as possible are ways you can regain that sense of control and develop a coping mindset that will not only help you now but with other challenging situations in the future.

3. Reach Out For Help

Unfortunately, there is not much that has not been affected by Covid-19. Just about everyone in the world is learning how to adjust their lifestyles accordingly. Because of this, there are several outlets and resources offering help and guidance when it comes to tackling the challenges of adapting to a new lifestyle and trying to cope with the emotions that come with it. Reaching out for help can give you new perspectives on how to handle problems you may be facing, as well as give you the relief that you are not the only one dealing with these problems. Now is the time to prioritize your mental wellbeing. Reach out to a therapist, call on a friend or trusted neighbor so you can create space in your life and find moments of calm with the ever changing landscape of the world.

The Covid 19 Pandemic is creating history and it is your chance to create a plan for your personal success. Adjusting to change is hard. Creating systems and plans for your overall well being is essential so you can become more resilient, more grounded, and more in tune with your personal guidance system – your emotions!

Inner Clarity believes that you are in the driver’s seat of your personal emotional success. Our trained therapists serve as guides so you can begin to explore your emotions, give them a place to land and feel validated, and learn to navigate the road of uncertainty. Your well being is our priority because you deserve to find happiness. Are you ready to unpack your emotions so you can become more resilient in the face of change? Reserve your spot in our upcoming “Coping with the New Normal” Support Group for Adults (18+) by calling 732-639-0232 today!

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“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way”. -Viktor E. Frankl

Have you ever watched a baby develop? For young children, developing life is full of obstacles that force them to process challenges and fall down so that they can learn how to continue to get up and try and try again.

Despite how amazing it may be to watch resiliency in action, in the eyes of a baby, life can feel pretty unfair at times.

• As a baby, if you pick up a phone or remote, an adult takes it out of your hands.
• Babies want to use their legs to walk and increase mobility, but fall down more times than one can count.
• Babies try to pick something up only to notice that dexterity hasn’t been perfected, making it impossible to grab what they really want.

Babies learn to be resilient through doing. They face a road block, express their emotional reaction, and then continue on to whatever is next for their developing life.

As adults, it is important to remember this natural resiliency that we so willingly showed as a child. Resiliency is part of human nature!

It’s time to detach the monkey mind from what is or is not and focus on how to be the most resilient version of your personal self.

You were once a resilient baby.  So, what do you have to do as an adult to mimic this important survival skill and encourage resiliency in your grown-up self?

Resilience, in itself, is the capacity of your internal and external systems to deal with change and continue to develop.

Facing opposition is an integral part of life which blesses you with an opportunity to practice being resilient, embrace change, and spur renewal and personal growth.

But it’s not always easy.

Here are three simple steps to continue to encourage your reactions to align with resiliency.

1. Acknowledge your emotions – self-awareness is the number 1 tool necessary to practice resiliency. Understanding how you are feeling and honoring those feelings in effective ways; like with a therapist, journaling, or confiding in a friend, are incredible ways to acknowledge how you are feeling. It is only through understanding how you feel that you can connect and begin to control your response when life feels hard.
2. Let Go – learning how to drop your resistance and surrender to what is can be difficult, yet it is an empowering way to practice resiliency. Imagine not landing your dream job. Initially, this news may sting. It may feel like a blow to the ego. However, learning to surrender to ‘what is,’ in this case a job that isn’t going to happen, allows you to create personal immunity from the attachment to the job. It’s not easy. But it’s important to understand – letting go is a tool of freedom for your mind.
3. Always believe that things are working out FOR your good – No matter what is happening in your life, remember, life is happening FOR you – not to you or at you. Even when it feels tough, life is unfolding so you can create your happiest self. This means that the job you didn’t get, the relationship that is no longer, the friendships that have passed; are all for your benefit. This can feel extremely difficult when things already seem rough. So, focus on the blessings. Hold on to the fact that happiness is your birthright. And know that all things in the world are open to bring you more joy, more peace, and better times ahead.

When it comes to practicing resiliency, your mindset will be your best friend. Becoming aware of your thoughts and gently shifting toward letting go help to free your emotional energy to focus on the good. You have the power to create your best life. Believe it and seek out this worldly validation daily. The more you continue to shift your focus toward what is going well, the more open you become to receive the goodness that life has in store for you.

Click here https://www.innerclarityllc.com/our-therapists/ to find out more about our team of therapists each with their own specialty areas. We are here to help you find your Inner Clarity and discover your best self today.

If there’s one thing we know for sure it’s that body’s change. Whether this change comes through aging, parenthood, surgery, or lifestyle, your remarkable body can stretch, shrink, create life, break, bend, and heal.

And if there’s another thing that remains certain, it’s that you will remain in your body for as long as you live.

That’s a pretty important reason to allow yourself to respect and honor the current transition your body is in!

Practicing body positivity is a radical way to transform your relationship to your skin suit and share gratitude for this vessel that carries YOU around. Here are six ways to learn to love yourself so you can find happiness with exactly where your body is in this moment of time.

1. Ditch the belief that a different body will make you happy – Moana says ‘you can find happiness right where you are’ and there is so much truth to this. Looking a certain way will not bring you happiness. Yet, learning to find happiness or respect for your body and where it’s at will bring more peace, joy, and contentment your way.
2. Do something that makes your body feel good everyday – tune in to your body so you can learn what it needs to feel invigorated, well, and healthy. Maybe it’s a walk, a stretch, or a drink of water. Doing at least one thing a day with the intention of helping your body feel it’s best will do just that!
3. Dance like no one is watching – one of the quickest ways to feel good in your body is to move it! Blast your favorite music and move your body. This will allow you to be within your perfectly shaped build and shift internal energy through movement. Grant yourself judgement-free time and space and allow the music to guide your flow!
4. Practice Gratitude for your body – what are you grateful for about your body? Finding gratitude for your body is one of the fastest ways to shift your internal dialogue around it. Maybe you’re grateful for the ability to breathe, or the fact that your body has allowed you to create children. When all else fails, recognize your body as the vessel that allows you to carry on being YOU! Small shifts toward gratitude equal huge wins for body positivity!
5. Step off the scale – a scale is a great way to measure your weight in relation to gravity on earth. It’s a useful tool to chart progress and necessary for medical procedures. HOWEVER, if the scale has the power to ruin your day, don’t use it. It’s simple; you deserve to feel good. If stepping on the scale has the potential to make you feel bad – don’t do it. Your value as a person has nothing to do with the number on a scale. So, stick with gratitude, and step away from the numbers.
6. Dare to NOT compare – In this world fueled by social media induced judgement, this tip may be the toughest AND the most important. First thing’s first, if your online scrolling includes images of bodies that make you feel badly about your own, UNFOLLOW those accounts…. like, yesterday. Secondly, notice when judgement peeks into your thoughts. Judgement, whether about your own body or someone else’s is a double-edged sword. It does not exist singularly, so when it is noticed, practice mindfulness and ask yourself, ‘how is this thought making me feel?’ Honor the emotion behind the thought, and then, if you can, shift the thought from judgement toward gratitude.

Practicing body positivity is a deliberate movement to bring more love and gratitude to your deserving self. At Inner Clarity, LLC in Hazlet, NJ our therapists excel at helping people to recognize where they are now and find gratitude for the many roads that got you and your beautiful body here. Our therapists understand how to work with you so you can find peace, respect, and love for your life and the body that allows you to live it. Ready to love your body so you can enhance your happiness? Book an appointment today.

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My Retirement Journey: From Trials and Tribulations to Triumphs

For many years prior to my retirement I dreamt about what it would be like. I imagine most people dream of retirement and believe it will bring immediate happiness. For me, in some ways that was true, but I learned that finding happiness after retiring a lifetime’s long career takes work, self-reflection, and intent. Growing up in a North Bronx area in the 60’s I had been working since I was in high school, with my first job as a shoe salesman. I worked through college and immediately upon graduation, I suited up, and entered the corporate world. If I add it all up, it comes to 48 years, and almost all of my adult life. In my career, I held about 5 different jobs, before my last job at AT&T overseeing a team of talented technical and business professionals. Among these jobs, some I absolutely loved, other times I had jobs that paid the bills to support my family so we could live in more financially stable conditions than I grew up in.

Throughout my career, I traveled quite often, sacrificed nights tucking my kids into bed and reading the bedtime story. Retirement was so far in the future I never gave it a second thought. But fast-forwarding to today, my kids have careers and kids of their own and I am a proud grandfather of 3 special young grandchildren.

Two years ago, my retirement party marked the end of my career with fanfare. I got the quintessential watch and plaque from my team, a large family brunch with gifts ranging from “old fart” t-shirts, to personalized golf swag, to a handmade journal where I expected I’d spend time reflecting during much of my newfound free time. But after the party, a loneliness set in. After 48 years on the go, working with purpose nearly every day, I found an emptiness I had not yet learned how to cope with. Some days were slow, bordering on boring. There were (and still are) times I miss the interaction among the people I worked with. I miss the challenge of making the right decision at the right time, and basking in successful outcomes. The pressure of managing people, being responsible for their continued growth and success, has been lost. These are all examples of the downsides of retirement.

What I have found and consider critical is having someone to talk to, a friend, a relative, a therapist. Someone who you can share with and who will not make any value judgements about what you are doing, or who you have become or who you are. For me, one of the most critical people in my life these days is, in fact, my therapist. There are so many good days in retirement, but help with the bad days is paramount to my successful retirement.

With the help of my therapist, I’ve learned tools and explored resources to reflect, intentionally think about what my goals, passions, and purpose in this new life stage are, called Retirement. As I look towards the future, retirement offers me so much more than I ever could have imagined. It allows me to see my grandkids more, watch them grow, and help them find their own way. I now travel for pleasure more often, without the stresses of stepping away from my work for a few days. I do more of what I love; writing, reading, and playing golf. Time is no longer my enemy. If I stay healthy, I have all the time in the world, to enjoy retirement, enjoy my spouse, my kids, and my grandkids.

Summarizing with Tips:

As you begin to contemplate retirement, you can do some of the following to be better prepared:

1. Secure your finances. Ensure you meet with a financial advisor to determine how much money you will require after you retire, and where that money will come from. Work through any pensions, 401ks, Social Security or other income sources. Financial security is good for mental health.
2. Stay engaged. Think about what you want to do in retirement. Whether it’s hobbies, travel, time with family, peace and quiet, volunteer work, or even a ‘retirement job,’ make sure to keep your mind sharp and spirits high.
3. Seek help when needed. Family and friends are great resources, and often a great place to get support. But it is also important to have a professional and neutral perspective who can help you work through your life transitions.

On Therapy

In my opinion, an important person in your retired life is your therapist. Therapy has its cost, but the benefits far outweigh any such costs (and in many cases Medicare will cover the expense). So long as you define  hese costs in your financial plan, you will be fine. You will most likely want and need someone to talk to who is not related to you to, who can give you an unbiased perspective. There will be good days, there might be some tough days, your therapist can help with both.

If you are seeking professional support, consider engaging with a therapist prior to, and within a few months post retirement. Waiting until you begin to experience the emotions of retirement is certainly acceptable, but I found starting early (before I retired) and sticking with counseling is a good approach.

It is time to make it happen. I hope me sharing my experience may help you along your way to a happy and successful retirement. These years ahead should become the best years of your life.

This story is brought to you by Inner Clarity.

At Inner Clarity, we have a growing team of therapists here to support you. Currently, several therapists at our practice including Licensed Clinical Social Workers, Rebecca Sidotti, and Charlene Kwinter both accept Medicare Insurance. We also have a broad network of community resources and can work with you on your individual retirement journey. Get started today at FindYourInnerClarity.com

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Self care – Definition: Doing things that make you feel more like yourself

The last few months we’ve been faced with a lot of uncertainty and unknowns. Practicing self care during the coronavirus pandemic can help to alleviate symptoms of anxiety, depression and stress associated with social distancing. If you feel that you are struggling, I have compiled a list of things you can try at home to refocus on yourself, recenter your mind and make it through the day.

1. Simplify your schedule
   • If you are feeling overwhelmed with your day to day schedule and goals, ask yourself which things can you let go of, which things you can do in parts and prioritize. Which activities are truly adding to your life? Intentionally make space for those activities daily.
2. Movement, movement, movement
   • Any form of physical movement such as swimming, jogging, yoga, outdoor walks can energize your body and mind.  While practicing safe social distancing rules, take advantage of the nice summer weather to move around outside, getting your heart rate up can boost your mood.
3. Take a long, warm bath or shower
   • Take the time to relax by yourself –  you can light candles, put on your favorite playlist, read a book or magazine. Even if you have time constraints and have to take a quick one, try to focus on being present and mindful for full relaxation.
4. Unplug
   • Due to the quarantine you might find yourself on your phone a lot more, go on a social media and technology fast. Sometimes giving yourself a break from your phone and social media applications can alleviate pressure and stress as well as help you reset your thoughts on positive things.
5. Get some shut eye
   • Give yourself the space to rest, even though we are home more we might find ourselves busier by taking on multiple roles and projects. As a result our bodies might actually become more exhausted – try to take a nap during the day or go to bed earlier to give your body some extra rest.
6. Dance it out
   • Take some time to center yourself through music. Put on your favorite dance music, and shake your body.
7. De-clutter
   • For those of you who like to stay busy, sometimes you can feel accomplished by completing small tasks around the house. Choose a place — your email inbox, your desk, a closet — and get rid of the excess and junk.
8. Listen to a podcast
   • Podcasts can be listened to while participating in any of the above mentioned activities. To narrow your search some topics to search for can include: mindfulness, self love, gratitude. Some recommendations include: Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations, anything Brene Brown.

Bonus one for pet owners:

9. Snuggle your pet
   • Spend some quality time with your pet by playing with them or giving them some snuggles, embrace their unconditional love.

Everyone’s self care journey is unique, so the things that work at home for some might not work for others and that is completely okay.  Embrace your individual journey through trial and error and create an individualized tool box full of self care activities. It is especially important that we take the time to learn about ourselves through self care techniques during a global pandemic.

Click here to learn more about our practice, and to request an appointment for you or your loved one.

Although altering our daily stressors may have optimal benefits, it’s not often that we can do that through removing the stressors or changing the situations totally. Instead of trying to remove the stressors, we can look to see where we can add techniques throughout our day that make our stressors feel less intense. Here are a few tips to de-stress day-by-day.

Tip 1: Identify “Repeating Stressors”

To really know what stresses us out daily, we have to find out if we are in a pattern of stressful citations. Repeating stressors, or stressors that we experience regularly, are situations such as preparing the children for school, driving in traffic, or managing a hectic work-life schedule. Identifying the stressor is the first step to gaining control of it. You can keep track of this in a journal, your phone or just take a mental note.

Tip 2: Cope Ahead

So, now that you have one stressful situation in mind, how do we plan ahead to cope with it? Those moments prior to experiencing the stress are the times in which we have the most control. First, we have to be emotionally prepared. This means that we think about it ahead of time and prepare ourselves with coping skills to manage that particular situation. It’s great to have a mental or tangible list of skills we can use to cope. To best do this, we can look at the situation, our feelings and our reactions. Here’s an example:

Traffic Build up —> Anxiety —> Breathing Techniques/Positive Self-Talk (coping skill)—> Calmer Body —> Mindful Response to Others —> Emotionally regulated for other stressors

Tip 3: Unruly Emotions Need Taming (Adaptive Behavioral Response)

Sometimes, our feelings happen faster than we can apply coping skills, so then we have to manage our behavioral response. For example:

Traffic Build up —> Anxiety —> Body Tension —> Progressive Muscle relaxation (coping skill)—> Mindful response to Others—> Emotionally regulated for other stressors

Emotional preparedness and self-talk are powerful tools we can use to prepare prior to a stressful situation. Self-talk can be as simple as “the tasks from my supervisor can feel overwhelming, but I will be organized and alert so I can feel confident in my work day.” Another example of self-talk while in the stressful moment is “this situation may be difficult, but I don’t have to feel stuck in this feeling. I am safe and I am in control of my body, and if I’m calm about this, I can do this task at my best”. Progressive Muscle Relaxation can be a great tool when we are reacting to our emotional state. When using this skill, you would squeeze and then release every muscle in the body starting with the tips of your toes and ending with the top of your head. It’s important to be mindful about our bodily responses to stress, as our bodies tend to carry stress, even after the stressor is gone.

Tip 4: Morning “Energy Check-In”

Every morning, gauge your emotional energy level (patience, calmness, tension, sadness, anxiety, excitement, etc). This helps us know where we might need extra support. If we’re running low on patience from the moment we wake up, we can always try to turn that around by meditating, prioritizing our tasks, or relaxing. Sometimes, we don’t have the luxury to do this, and that leads us to Tip 5.

Tip 5: Practice “Mindfulness and Boundaries”

So instead, be mindful of how you feel, so that when you’re entering into a situation you are mindfully aware of how much energy you can give the situation before you start to run low on fumes. For example, if you wake up late for work and you start your day rushed, this may make you feel anxious. If you’re anxious, how do you behave (agitated, inattentive, emotional)? Once you can identify that emotion, put those identified coping skills in place. You can do this everyday to maximize your ability to manage stress. This can also help set boundaries with others, meaning, we can appropriately let others know what we’re capable of that day. For example, if we are low on patience because we are experiencing personal stressors such as relationship issues, grief, or financial issues; we can share with others what we are capable of doing to the extent of our control. Again, for the things that are outside of our control, we go back to using our coping skills.  Keep in mind that if your cup for the day is already filled to the brim, just adding in one more small thing can make it overflow – leading us to feel overwhelmed, anxious, or even ready to explode.

Tip 6: Regularly “Recharge” to Increase Your Peace

Now that we’ve talked about the things we can do in daily routines to de-stress, we have to put back into our “emotional bank” or “re-charge” our emotional energy. As humans, we can only go for so long on low-fumes, low-energy or emotional challenges. So, just like a battery, we too need to take time to recharge. Find the things that increase your peace. This can be a hobby, a socially uplifting event, or even a simple activity such as watching your favorite TV show, listening to your favorite song, talking to a friend, lighting your favorite candle, or exercising.  Even doing a little bit of this everyday can be helpful.

Tip 7: Rinse & Repeat

With these skills solidified, it is important to be consistent in applying them. Emotional states and moods will ebb and flow, and we have to be patient with ourselves. These skills take daily practice, but the results can be life changing. Be mindful and aware of your emotional states so that you are best prepared to handle what life throws your way. Remember that we can only control so much, and when things are out of control, we can find ways to cope and adjust, minimizing stress-levels while maximizing our efficiency.

Therapists at Inner Clarity all have experience and training in mindfulness techniques for wellness. Click here to schedule your appointment and make these day-by-day techniques a priority.

June is PTSD awareness month, and I believe it is crucial to not only understand the clinical presentation of PTSD, but also understand the treatment options. There are many trauma-informed treatments out there. To be “trauma-informed”, simply stated, is to be aware of how trauma impacts a person’s physical and psychological health and to use therapeutic interventions that address the whole person, rather than a sole-focus on the problem behavior.  

However, it is important to note that research has shown that the modality of treatment is less of a predictor of effectiveness than the quality of the relationship between therapist and client, otherwise known as “dual attunement” in a model of trauma-informed treatment called, Brainspotting (BSP). In BSP, the ultimate resource is the relationship between therapist and client within the Dual Attunement Frame. It is within this frame that clients are guided through a transformative healing process.

What is Brainspotting?

Brainspotting is a model of therapy developed by Dr. David Grand in 2003 that has shown ground breaking and research supported results in helping people process and resolve the traumatic events that have previously left them feeling “stuck”, emotionally and physically depleted, and/or ashamed. Brainspotting locates points in the client’s visual field that help to access unprocessed trauma in the deeper, older parts of the brain. It is believed that (BSP) taps into and harnesses the body’s natural self-scanning, self-healing ability.

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What is Trauma?

Trauma is loosely defined as an emotional response to a terrible event, like an accident, rape, or a natural disaster. An emotional response to a terrible event is natural, of course! However, emotional responses are supposed to “complete their cycles”, so to speak. When an emotional response to a triggering event becomes frozen and unresolved in the person, a traumatic response then takes its place. The category of “trauma” encapsulates such a broad spectrum of experiences, and these experiences can overwhelm the person’s capacity to effectively cope. In addition, some people have no language or memory of the traumatic event(s). Yet, they report a longstanding feeling of restlessness, irritation, boredom, and/or lethargy that they just can’t explain or “shake.” Further, some people have memory of the trauma event(s), yet, avoid discussing the details surrounding the event(s). Clients use avoidance strategies for all different reasons, but commonly they fear the emotional overwhelm that comes with the memory of the traumatic event.

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How Can Brainspotting Help with Trauma?

In (BSP), the client explains the concern, worry, or simply states a feeling of agitation that he/she/they cannot explain. Then, a body-resource is located (positive felt-sense in the body) and then paired with a Brainspot, a spot in the person’s visual field that indicates some reactivity, this could look like a blink, a yawn, a twitch, feelings of nausea, etc. The therapist then guides the client through a mindfulness process within the dual attunement frame: the empathic, witnessing presence of the therapist as the client focuses on the Brainspot. Clients may even stay silent if they wish! The therapist purely works with the sensations in the body as it relates to the triggering event, thought, or story. It is within this body-based, deeply attuned process I have witnessed the body unearth and release various forms of trauma. This release opens up a space for clarity, calm, and a newfound sense of compassion for self and others in many clients. As Bessel VanderKolk says, “the body keeps the score”, and just as the body keeps the score, the body also intrinsically knows how to heal. The trained therapist guides and holds the space for this process with curiosity and compassion.(BSP) provides the container for trauma to find its way through and out the  body, just as nature intended.

If you or someone you know is seeking a gentle way to approach working through a traumatic event or an event they don’t fully remember or understand, then Brainspotting may be the appropriate treatment. Stephanie Carpizo, LPC is a certified Brainspotting therapist who works remotely so clients can engage in therapeutic work in the safety and comfort of their own homes. Brainspotting can be done with children as young as six. Read more about Stephanie and schedule an appointment with her HERE.

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As your body changes through physical fitness, so does your mind when addressing mental wellness. While it may feel like a simpler decision to begin to work on your outward appearance, taking time to work on becoming mentally fit has benefits that go much further than skin deep.

Yet, with the rush of modern life, some men still struggle with making their mental health a priority.

So much so, that the disparity between how men and women treat their mental wellness differ tremendously.

There is no biological difference in being predisposed to emotional instability or to cultivate the ability to express feelings between men and women. Both men and women experience depression as well as the full spectrum of all mental illness yet women are diagnosed at alarmingly higher rates than men.

Almost 70% of all suicides are by men. Which means that men are struggling  with their mental wellness and not seeking professional treatment to help them cope and feel good in their lives.

As a society, phrases like ‘Man Up’ and ‘Be a Man about it’ shield men from acknowledging their own unique spectrum of emotions. Instead of knowing that it’s acceptable to feel sad, overwhelmed, and cry, many men have been conditioned to ‘suck it up,’ dangerously suppressing real emotional truths about who they are and how they feel. Men are encouraged to lean into reactions such as anger and rage, with a mild understanding that these too are emotions that deserve a secure setting to be expressed without taking a personal victim.

Many men have been conditioned since childhood to tough it out, suck it up, and keep on moving forward. With this programming, it’s understandable why some men don’t feel comfortable reaching out to mental health professionals. Because of this conditioning however, some men are so out of touch with their unique emotional spectrum that they don’t even realize they are depressed or consumed by thoughts that leave them feeling enraged, less then and unworthy.

This conditioning is a disaster for men’s mental health.

Of course, not all men are the same. Some men find the willingness to speak up about how their thoughts are affecting their lives. Yet many still find it terribly uncomfortable.

Men, it’s time to make your mental health a priority!

Here’s a few things you should know:

Emotional are normal.

You were not designed to be stoic.

A range of emotions, including stress, sadness, and depression simply mean that you are a human being experiencing life through your unique lens.

The suppression of your mental health is killing you at alarming rates.

The lack of awareness and connection to your ability to express emotions is causing further repression.

You deserve to be happy.

You deserve to not feel imprisoned by your thoughts.

Mental Wellness is a muscle that can be trained.

Like being in the gym, your mental health enhances when you take time to work on it.

If you don’t know where to begin with exercise, you seek out professional advice.

When you don’t know how to begin with unpacking your mental wellness, seek professional support for guidance.

Therapy is not dramatic.

Therapy is not about laying on a couch, bawling uncontrollably about your upbringing.

Therapy is a safe place to acknowledge your experiences and talk aloud with a professional about how they are affecting you.

Men, your mental health is worth your time. You deserve happiness. You deserve a safe space to feel into your life experiences.

Inner Clarity in Hazlet, New Jersey works with men to help quantify where they currently are in their lives and where they’d like to go. At Inner Clarity, our therapists help men to set goals and learn to rate how they feel so they have an understanding of how to progress toward a life feeling more fulfilled. Our therapists employ techniques such as CBT, EMDR, and Brainspotting; evidenced-based practices used to address depression, anxiety, and trauma. Inner Clarity offers a safe space for men to unpack their thoughts and decompress from their day. an appointment now and get on the path to nurturing your mental health and feeling better, today!

There has never been a more important time to actively practice acceptance and teach the world’s children to do the same. Acceptance is a daily value that needs regular validation and encouragement; giving adult caregivers an opportunity to practice preaching and implementing regularly. Because children engage life with a natural curiosity, insightful adult response is necessary to raise the newest generation to be tolerant, ever helpful, and accepting human beings.

The influence adults have over a child’s forming opinion when curiosity rears its head is tremendous. It’s a heavily weighted responsibility, not to be taken lightly. This means that every eye-roll, sigh, sarcastic comment made by an adult is absorbed by a child. Physical communication as a parent is a major influencer on a child’s ability to truly thrive as an accepting and loving human being.

Acceptance stems from curiosity, empathy, and compassion. Children are taught these emotional states of being as they are taught intolerance, self-absorption, and hierarchy. Ultimately, it is up to an adult caretaker to examine their own levels of intolerance, reactivity, and response so they can teach children to see the world from a more loving place. Mindfulness toward how you feel and what you project toward and in front of children is essential to creating sympathetic human beings who are willing to see sameness in all they encounter.

Acceptance begins at home. It begins within. And with a solid internal foundation of acceptance, sharing with children becomes easier.

Here are three ways to take an active role in teaching acceptance at home.

1. Teach them to love themselves. – Children are constantly making assumptions about who they are and how they fit into the world around them. They do this based on how they are treated, what they are told about themselves, and how they intermingle with other human beings based on what they begin to believe about themselves.
   One of the most powerful ways to begin to teach children about acceptance is to teach them to love themselves unconditionally. Acceptance, like judgement, is a two-way street. When one harnesses the ability to find acceptance with the perfectly imperfect human being they are, they are better prepared to find that same level of acceptance in another.
2. Teach them to find a common ground. – When you teach a child to relate to another child as a human being, similarity is what enfolds. When children learn to see themselves in another, compassion and empathy are what build within. Children can find sameness in emotions. Even young children can relate to statements such as ‘Billy broke his toy and is crying. What do you think Billy is feeling right now? Can you remember a time that you felt that way?’ or, similarly, ‘Jerry is smiling as he is kicking the ball. How do you think Jerry feels about soccer? Do you like soccer? Is there something you like to do that makes you feel happy like soccer makes Jerry feel?’
3. Look for opportunities to practice.  – Crafting stories in ways to cultivate more curiosity and empathy within kids is essential. Use the depictions of the world around to ask children for their insights. Continuously asking kids about their perceptions of situations they see is powerful. It not only presents moments for adults to validate the thoughts and feelings of children, it also encourages the ability to see themselves in another. The world is full of opportunities to see differences. Ask children to find “sameness” instead.

Looking for a way to enhance the dialogue with children? Anarghya Nirbail, LAC, is a therapist at our practice who specializes in working with children over the age of six. She is formally trained in CBT from the Aaron Beck Institute and is able to implement play therapy in order to engage children in the therapeutic process. Read more about Anarghya, and schedule an appointment with her HERE.

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The last two months have been extraordinary and trying times for many of us.  Among the many social media posts on the topic of COVID-19, there was an especially profound metaphor for the current situation we find ourselves in.  In it, the author (attributed to Damian Barr) stated “We are in the same storm, but not in the same boat.” This imagery creates the idea that we’re all in rough seas, but the tools we have at our disposal can vary greatly.  Some may be in life rafts while others are on super yachts. The seasickness may be real for us all, but some are coping well while others are struggling to survive. This poem speaks empathetic ally and passionately about being there for each other, and seeing other points of view, through incredibly challenging times.

So how do we support each other? How do we truly listen? How do we take care of our families? How do we take care of ourselves? Here are a few tips we’ve devised over the last two months living under a ‘new normal’:

1)  Reach out to family and friends:

In a time when we cannot be the social beings that we’re accustomed to being, seeing and spending time with family and friends in person, we need to now look to other means, other approaches to be connected.  Fortunately, we live in an age of incredible technology and communication.  The internet, the smartphone, and the software available to us enables us to connect virtually to those we love, and to seek help from our homes when we need it.  Whether it be FaceTime, Zoom (now free for personal use), Teams, Hangouts, Webex, Facebook, text message, or the old fashioned phone call, we can connect when we want to.  It may not be ideal, but make an effort to reach out.  Do you have a friend who lives alone? Perhaps a cousin working in a hospital caring for sick patients? Check in with them.  Set a routine and follow up every few days, even if only for a few minutes.  In the process you’ll help their mental well-being as well as yours.

2)  Recognize that which you can change, and that which you cannot:

Stay-at-home orders.  Small business closures.  Unemployment over 20M people.  These are real, challenging, negative outcomes of approaches to fight a dangerous virus.  We all need to adapt to the reality of the current situation.  But there are things we can do to cope.  First, start with a reflection of what is most important to you.  Did you love going out to eat, or miss going for your daily workout with your personal trainer?  In the future, we’ll get back to those routines.  In the meantime, look for alternatives to the routines you once had.  Perhaps ask Alexa for a new recipe to cook, or challenge your house-mates to a workout competition running the stairs or across your backyard.  If you have little ones like I do, turn them into living, breathing workout weights!

Second, reflect not on what you’ve lost, but what you’ve gained.  Were you putting off that home improvement project? Did you have a book you wanted to read that was collecting dust? Or maybe you felt you weren’t spending enough time with your family members?  Now’s the time to take advantage of the new schedule and routine and put that time to good use.  Sometimes when a door closes, even for a little while, a few windows do open.

3)  If you’re anxious, depressed, lonely, or in need, seek professional help:

Sometimes, we need support to get through challenges and navigate the emotions we’re feeling.  That’s healthy and normal.  We recommend asking yourself a few questions to determine if you should seek professional support.  And if in doubt, reach out.

• Am I more worried about health, money, my future, or life in general than I used to be?
• Do I find myself more sad, more tired, or lacking motivation than before covid?
• Am I looking for tools and techniques to cope?
• Do I want someone to listen to me, to hear my fears and concerns, and help prepare approaches to help me though this time?

At Inner Clarity, we are here to help.  We put our clients first, and will discuss your presenting conditions with you before determining an appropriate path forward.  We work to match you with the right therapist for you, and take a mindful approach to treatment.  We assess outcomes and work within the standards of our profession to bring you results. We believe in living A Clear Mind for a Healthy Life.

For more information, see our services here, or get started by contacting our team today.

Together, we strive to “Find your Inner Clarity.”